Suicidal, Self-Deprecating Spring Onions

Me: Good afternoon, Staid Spring Onions.
Caller: Hi there. I'm calling about... I just heard about you. I don't know what you do, but I was told you have money to give out.
Me: Ok...
Caller: Well! I'm an artist. And I was told you had money to give out. The deadline is gone weeks ago, but I thought seeing as I'd never heard of you that you'd make an exception. Can I have an application form?
Me: I'm afraid not, our deadlines are very strictly adhered to to ensure fairness to all applicants...
Caller: Ah, feck.
*click*

Withering Walnuts

Me: Good morning, Withering Walnuts?
Lady: Hello? Is that Withering Walnuts?
Me: Yes, it is.
Lady: Oh, ah! I thought... Um... I had a feeling you were trying to call me! Ahhhhhhhh-m. Ehm. Ahhh... Eh, can I talk to... um... can I... No! You know what, it's actually ok.
Me: Okay, if you're sure?
Lady: Ummm...
*click*

Gah!

Good afternoon, welcome to Turnip Towers.

No, there is noone working here. No, they do not answer their phones. No, there are no cups for the water bubble. No, you cannot leave your pamphlets on display here. No, the phone does not work for external calls, you can't access the wifi, and no, I can't photocopy your documents for you. The paper is for reading in the reception room only, you can't take it with you. Please keep your children, dogs and mothers under control. No, I don't have change for the parking meter, and yes, the clampers are very vigilant. No, I can't watch your car for you.

Yes, it is a glorious day, now out you go and enjoy it.

Cauliflower Celluloid Club

Me: Good morning, Romanesque Cauliflower Enthusiasts?
Lady: Good morning, who is that?
Me: This is Bazoingoid, at the Romanesque Cauliflower Enthusiasts...
Lady: Ah! I was wondering, could you tell me how many cinemas there are in the Republic of Cauliflowers?
Me: ... *silence*...
Me: 47.
Lady: Thank you!

*click*

Yankee Yams

Me: Good Afternoon, Yummy Yams...
Lady: (in drawly American accent) Hi, who have I called?
Me: It's the Yummy Yams.
Lady: Oh! Is that the Republican Yummy Yams, or the Northern Yams?
Me: We are the Yummy Yams of Ireland.
Lady: Oh, of course. Now, I'm not sure who I wanted to speak to in there...
*silence*
*silence*
*silence*
Lady: Oh, of course! It was Yorick Yam, is he there at the moment?
Me: *mumbling* I hope so...

Holy Blundering Broccoli, Batman!

Lady walks into the office...

Lady: Do you know, am I far from HazelNut Farm when I'm here at Broken Broccoli?
Me: Ehm, unfortunately yes... HazelNut Farm is is KilKabbage Town... (several counties away!)
Lady: Oh! My, I never knew that!
Me: Yes, sorry...
Lady: Well, now that I'm here, I was wondering about those awards you give out, you know the ones... for Broccoli?
Me: The Broccoli Awards?
Lady: No, for travelling...
Me: Aha, the Travelling Turnip Award, yes. Would you like to apply for one?
Lady: I don't really know now, I was always afraid of travelling alone, so maybe not...

Lady walks out of the office.