Vegetable Soup

Me: Good morning, Veggie Vagrants?
Caller: Hi, I wonder would you send me out a list of all the Vegetable Officers in the country please?
Me: You mean all the Regional Vegetable Officers? Do you have internet access?
Caller: Sort of... my Veggie Assistant does that for me.
Me: That's fantastic. If you would like to do a search for 'Vegetable Officers in the Republic of Bazoingoid', the first result you get will be a comprehensive list of these people and their contact details.
Caller: *mutters to Veggie Assistant* *mutters some more*
Caller: But we've done that, and you come up as the search result!!!
Me: Eh... no. Sorry, we don't. If you search specificlly for 'Vegetable Officers in the Republic of Bazoingoid', you will not get Veggie Vagrants, you will get a Word document that lists 'Vegetable Officers in the Republic of Bazoingoid'. *cries on the inside*
Caller: *mumbles to the Veggie Assistant some more* *mutters* *harumphs!*
Caller: That's amazing! You really were a fantastic help, thank you so much!!!
Me: That's no problem at all, thank you for calling the Veggie Vagrants.

Suicide Central

Me: Good afternoon, I'm going to blow my brains out?
Caller: Melissa!
Me: Eh, no. There is no Melissa here at Suicide Salsify.
Caller: Melanie? Marissa? Something along those lines?
Me: We have a Moron?
Caller: That's her! That's the one! I was talking to her. Can I talk to her?
Me: No problem. Can I ask who's calling?
Caller: Traylor. (no kidding... he's named after a truck.)
Me: One moment please... ... ... Traylor, she's actually away from her desk, would you mind leaving her a voice mail?
Caller: Does she job share?!?
Me: No, she does not. Why do you ask?
Caller: I left her a message an hour ago and she hasn't replied!
Me: I'm sure she will reply as soon as she is available. Thank you for calling Suicide Salsify.

The Importance of Being an Indian Prune

Me: Good afternoon, the Indian Prune Collective.
Caller: I'm so glad! So glad that my call is so important to you!
Me: I'm sorry?
Caller: I am so VERY glad that my call is of such import to your organisation that you answered my call on the third ring and did not allow it to ring indefinitely! Your message said you were busy!
Me: I see... How may I direct your call?

The Avocado's Address

An email enquiry, submitted through the 'contact us' section of our website:

'To what address do I send post for you?'

No 70 Avocado Towers, our address, was clearly detailed beneath the enquiry submission form.

Suicidal, Self-Deprecating Spring Onions

Me: Good afternoon, Staid Spring Onions.
Caller: Hi there. I'm calling about... I just heard about you. I don't know what you do, but I was told you have money to give out.
Me: Ok...
Caller: Well! I'm an artist. And I was told you had money to give out. The deadline is gone weeks ago, but I thought seeing as I'd never heard of you that you'd make an exception. Can I have an application form?
Me: I'm afraid not, our deadlines are very strictly adhered to to ensure fairness to all applicants...
Caller: Ah, feck.
*click*

Withering Walnuts

Me: Good morning, Withering Walnuts?
Lady: Hello? Is that Withering Walnuts?
Me: Yes, it is.
Lady: Oh, ah! I thought... Um... I had a feeling you were trying to call me! Ahhhhhhhh-m. Ehm. Ahhh... Eh, can I talk to... um... can I... No! You know what, it's actually ok.
Me: Okay, if you're sure?
Lady: Ummm...
*click*

Gah!

Good afternoon, welcome to Turnip Towers.

No, there is noone working here. No, they do not answer their phones. No, there are no cups for the water bubble. No, you cannot leave your pamphlets on display here. No, the phone does not work for external calls, you can't access the wifi, and no, I can't photocopy your documents for you. The paper is for reading in the reception room only, you can't take it with you. Please keep your children, dogs and mothers under control. No, I don't have change for the parking meter, and yes, the clampers are very vigilant. No, I can't watch your car for you.

Yes, it is a glorious day, now out you go and enjoy it.